


Why do?

by inloveemmy



Category: depression - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:42:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29744484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inloveemmy/pseuds/inloveemmy
Summary: Literally just a rant book of me asking questions to myself and the universe because things in my life bother me and don't make sense and yet I don't want to talk about them with anyone but I'm more comfortable to talk about them with random internet strangers. Enjoy!!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> before any of you say I need therapy, I've had therapy xx

Why am I tired all day? I sleep the best amount, changed up when I sleep and I definitely sleep deeply because I sleep through everything so why am I always exhausted and tired and sluggish


	2. Why PT.2

Why am I still depressed? Come on I literally changed everything, I don't stay on the internet much, I exercise, sleep appropriately and rest for good lengths, don't dwell on things, eat well, take antidepressants I've done EVERYTHING and I am still depressed and so mentally ill. No matter what I do I am still the same and I'm sick of it. I am tired of suffering, am I just made to feel sad? Happiness not for me? Is it just because of everything I've done? Thanks person in the sky :< love you too


	3. Why 3

Why is it so easy for me to lie? I literally lie about things that shouldn't be lied about at all, completely easily because I'm always tired of dealing with people or explaining my feelings so I just lie. It's horrible, besides I'm sympathy fishing because I want to feel like I've got everything the worst off because it FEELS like I'm the worst off despite knowing I'm definitely not.


	4. Why 4

I'm not actively having a plan to kill myself. However, if someone hit me with a bus I would definitely be happy. I've been suicidal for so long and I have no other methods but I'm not overdosing again because that shit was wack and you have to get blood tests. (Shoutouts to the last time it happened and I was literally so drained that the person speaking to me I basically just said "look I regret whatever I did yada yada I just want to get home and sleep I won't do it again or whatever don't keep me overnight I just want to go home")


	5. PT 5

I wish I had never joined Instagram honestly. Yeah I've met lovely people but then I could literally just throw my phone in the ocean and then I'd be happy. Then I wouldn't be dragged into relationships I don't care about, I hate them and I don't want them. I hate relationships and I love being single. Plus then I wouldn't feel obligated to message people, I don't want to talk to most people, I'm so tired and I don't want to. Please god I'd relive the last 5 years despite being morbidly depressed if I never had to go on stupid Instagram. Or at least rewind to whenever I told someone I loved them so I don't end up in a relationship so they keep being an asshole and then I keep being attracted cuz people being an asshole to me is hot. I'm not even kidding, I'm not in a relationship because I told them I wanted to "pause" but they're too lovey. So I kinda lied and may or may not "be in hospital" right now so I can't message them. I'd just abandon Instagram forever if I weren't the only person in their life, they're lonely and never speak to anyone else but I'm not being groomed they're geniuenely just a saddo who's alone and I understand why. They're cold and rude and homophobic at times and racist and I wish they'd stop because I don't like them that much. God I'm awful but God so are they, I'm lying about being in fucking hospital when I'm the only person they love and they're like "oml you're my soulmate!! I can't wait to marry you." I don't want that but I can't just ignore them forever this mf been abandoned so many times I can't hurt him too. I'm horrible, please shoot me dear god


	6. 6

Why am I still so depressed and suicidal? It's been so long, therapy, medication, everything hasn't worked and I still feel shitty and I can't stop this feeling. Everyone endlessly saying it gets better, it's still not feeling like this and no I'm not an angsty teen (which by the way don't say that to people because if they're struggling you're ignoring their feelings and that isn't gonna help them) but my fucking god it does not seem to want to get better. I know it does eventually but please can it hurry up, especially with the looming fact over my head at the fact a few people admitted to me if I attempt to commit suicide again they'll stop being friends with me. Thanks guys, because that's the pressure I need. I'm so tired of the endless hating myself and doubting what I say, I can't take it anymore. It's so exhausting, I'm going to be honest, my biggest wish is that someone else kills me so I'm not blamed for my own death and then people don't think upon how sad I am. I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up, I want to be hit by a bus, I just want it to end quickly as possible with little pain as possible. I can't take this anymore.


End file.
